Inspired by a cleverly whimsical author biography I read, here is some of my sillier writing from back in the day.
In 1995 the Ventura County Symphony went bankrupt, uh, “merged” with the Conejo Valley Symphony (the conglomerate now known as the New West Symphony), and I found myself without a Symphony to be executive director of. Please note the bankruptcy was not at all due to my job performance.
A few years later I began collaborating with a public relations agency in Ventura. The owners asked me to write my mock obituary as part of the interview process to see how creative I could be. The agency took me on as a result. I wrote some press and a healthcare manual and a few other things for them. At the time, they and another entity were competing to establish a Ventura County Film Commission. The agency elected to become official before a winner was decided. I was given the title of public relations manager – and a business card to prove it! I moved on from the agency before the competition was resolved.
I was still operating with the last name Hesselbach in those days. Here is the mock obit of Patricia Hesselbach.
Entrepreneur and Self-Acclaimed Song Stylist Patricia Hesselbach Dies at Age…
STEPFORDVILLE, Calif. – Patricia Hesselbach, creative copywriter and notable nightingale, died in a state of mass confusion yesterday. She was old enough to know better and young enough to care less.
The world traveler collapsed suddenly near Consultants Cul-de-sac, at the intersection of Jazz and Broadway. Apparent cause of death was a massive crossover of hemispheres, resulting in a short circuit in brain functions.
A self-described master of many mediums, mainly mingling mawkishly metaphoric maxims in magical machinations, Hesselbach was widely heralded by friends and colleagues for her ability to transition smoothly from one work environment to another. Seldom involuntarily idled for any length of time, she accomplished several of her life and career goals to one degree or another during her all too brief stint on this chunk of granite. While doing time in our fair burg, she managed an upstart business, terrorized a Methodist Church choir, and taught young boys how to make beautiful music under her tutelage.
In a September interview, Hesselbach spoke of another significant goal prompted by her recent relocation to Stepfordville.
“I am initiating an immediate search for non-cowboy boot wearing resident alien life forms transported here from outlying counties. Additionally, I am requesting that all two-stepping boot wearers attempt a virtual moon walk and never darken my dance card again.”
Hesselbach predeceases her alter ego, Pat Bach, a local cabaret singer of some notes. Other survivors include scattered members of her audience and a date from last Tuesday.
The funeral will be at 3pm on Friday at I.M. Stiff Taxidermy Parlour and Salon. The well-preserved remains should be viewed and admired; however, propriety prevails and the closed casket will be deposited immediately in Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Cemetery.
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Sense and Sentience 