Process and Progress

It has taken a month for me to “begin” to realize how destructive this past year and more has been. Just the beginning of realizing it.

Our life energies are precious. We need to use them and share them wisely, judiciously, with care. Not always clear when your vision is clouded by what you project, and what you want to believe in, despite signs that you shouldn’t believe.

As a tear forms in my eye, I’m surprised. You can think you’re doing OK. And then something, not even completely identifiable, surfaces. Then you’re OK again. my health has suffered. And I allowed it. But not for the wrong reasons. If we keep in mind that we are lucky to have a handful of genuine good friends in our lifetime, how is it that we open our hearts and lives to people who haven’t proven that status? People need people. But the need shouldn’t be the only driving motivation for communion.

What doesn’t feed you takes from you. I haven’t used my camera in over a year. I promised a sketch portrait to someone who has since died. I still need to create it. Because I need to keep the promise and finish it. There’s that music writing project that one of my voice students has prompted me to do for years. I’m finding tasks around my home that have gone neglected. And I didn’t even realize it. It’s like I’m seeing again. My vision is clearing.

I’m somewhere between that single tear and feeling settled. My blood pressure had gone nuts in recent times. I’m tending to me. Remembering my value. I was losing myself.

One good friend keeps telling me to not worry about tomorrow, essentially. I need to take care of healing today. When thoughts of my future no longer create extreme angst and stop throwing me into a confused frenzy, I’ll be able to better move forward. Because I’ve always been “never say die.” There’s always tomorrow. I just wag my finger at me and admonish myself, be smart with your heart, Patricia. Don’t cave your values to anyone else’s. Don’t neglect your needs. Love yourself. People who see who you are and think you’re super neat will be in your life. If there are none now, or maybe even ever, you still have you. Be the best one you can be. You owe it to yourself. There’s that gol-darned tear again. Bummer.