I finished reading a book. An entire book. It’s been years since I allowed myself the luxury of time to read without being distracted by the unfinished work I need to get to, or people and events and the stuff of daily living that causes anxiety.
Many weeks back I picked up the Kamal Ravikant book, LOVE YOURSELF LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. It was just the medicine I needed. I had visited the bookstore looking for a book or books to help me ground myself, to help me feel OK for myself and strong in the relationship that I was temporarily removed from due to one of many short-term conflicts we would have. I never knew if the relationship “outage” was temporary or permanent. The temporary withdrawal usually stemmed from me expecting some form of what I think of as relationship normalness that didn’t conform with his concept of a relationship. And there were more basic underlying issues, as well, having to do with personality. Unimportant for this discussion. My gut had been speaking to me since our first real date. I see now that the main problem was that what had become our exclusive relationship included other non-traditional elements for him. That is how I’ll characterize it and leave it alone from there. I’m not placing blame. People do what they feel they need to do to get what they want. What’s done is done. I’ve moved on. Now I have the chance to find myself again. And, now shed of the anxiety the relationship caused me, I can remember how to be myself, and love myself.
Prior to that bookstore visit, one day while waiting at my pharmacy for a prescription a gentleman approached me, chatted me up, smooth-talked, and asked for my number. I sputtered and muttered. I wasn’t expecting to be hit-on by some guy at the pharmacy. He quickly said, “Tell you what. I’ll give you my number and you can call me.” He presented me with his card. Needless to say, I was in an exclusive relationship and was not about to call him. But the part of me that knew my relationship was not on solid ground made me tuck the card away in my purse. At the same time this man seemed a tad too smooth. When I looked around at other women in the pharmacy, I was his most likely target. Sometimes my radar picked up on a bad idea when he approached me. Sometimes.
When the next mini-split with the boyfriend happened, I decided to follow up on pharmacy guy. But I was in no mood to have anything to do with a man who was otherwise involved. Also, I wasn’t 100% motivated, because I was hoping my mini-split would be mended. I needed something to make me feel good about myself. I hadn’t realized at that point that my relationship with my boyfriend was what was undermining my self-confidence. Little by little it was being eroded. I was disappearing, giving myself up.
It was unusual for me to look up background on men who I dated. People do it, I know. But it feels odd to me. But, having jumped from frying pan several years ago, to another frying pan, to yet another frying pan that all left me with burns, I thought I’d do an informal Internet search to see if there was anything public on pharmacy guy. It didn’t take long to turn up that he was living with someone and had been for many years in two counties. Could they just be roomies? Maybe. They had donated to a charity together. Maybe friends or roomies do such things. Too many maybees. I thought I’ll let him know when I’ll be at the bookstore in his neighborhood. He could come by if he were free, and we could talk over a coffee. That was on the weekend. It wasn’t until during the week that I received a voicemail. I don’t think he remembered which woman I am. So many pharmacies. So little time. But he apologized for not having the chance to meet with me on the weekend. Just as well. Because I had been ready to call him on his game. What satisfaction would I really have gained from calling him out? Nothing worth my time and energy.
I suppose I sensed my boyfriend and I would somehow patch things up. The patching usually happened within about a week. As I look back, I see that I would in some way be made to feel bad about whatever caused the break. I would respond with some form of apology or guilt. Sometimes these dynamics were subtle. I might get all soft and mushy. Or he might. Then we’d be back on again.
The point of this writing is not to focus on a doomed relationship. I mean to focus on what it feels like to be an individual as part of a duo. My usual modus operandi has been to give everything to my romantic partner. I become absorbed in the relationship. If I’m with him, nothing else gets done. If I’m not with him, nothing else gets done. My head would be filled with him and not knowing. This has been true in all but one of my relationships. And that relationship probably never should have been a romantic relationship, though it grew into a beautiful friendship. We were and are more like siblings than romantic partners. I love him dearly. The deal is the reason I’ve been so absorbed that I lose myself is that I haven’t taken care of myself before becoming involved with any of those previous people. I’ve allowed myself to accept less than what I deserve. I deserve a partnership that is so completely up front, open, and honest that there is no question in my mind that we are two completely separate and independent individuals who can enjoy our independence but who are clearly on the same page as far as the relationship goes. No question about it. Nothing to make either of us wonder or worry. Past relationships are put to rest. Communications are completely transparent. All is known. If that kind of relationship goes south for any reason, it won’t be due to what’s missing and not known. As the partnership grew, so would the dissolution, if it came to be. Breakups never feel good. But a breakup handled with compassion and clear understanding that people and situations can and sometimes do change, whether we like it or not, is, for lack of any truly reasonable word, more “civilized.” There is no good word for such a loss.
I’m in the early stages of coming to terms with my part in what happens in my romantic life, and in dealing with regrouping and taking adequate time to find and respect myself again. Anxiety is leaving me. I don’t care if I just gained a pound from the too many M&Ms and cheese balls I just consumed. I’m not worried about what my partner might think of those two pounds – though my concern over that had more to do with the disconnect with my partner and my worrying and wondering about him and us than it did with a couple of pounds. Underlying insecurity due to what was missing, unknown, not revealed was the cause.
I’ll knock off those pounds. Or not. Now. Or later.
My stomach isn’t in a knot over what I wasn’t accomplishing because I was so wrapped up in a relationship. A tax extension is being filed. I’ll get to the taxes. I’ll keep working on the computer back-up. Tears and lack of sleep and over-thinking over the illusion of what I thought I had are subsiding and are being replaced by less tension. (Keep telling yourself that, Patricia. It’s a process. Not immediate. Thank you for sharing your story, Kamal Ravikant.)
More work and income will appear. Everything will be OK.
My creative juices are starting to flow again. When a tinge of anxiety hits me smack in the solar plexus, I tell it to get lost. As I said to a friend the other day, I used to not worry about the details. I just created things. How wonderful it will be to return to that practice.
As part of my process of remembering who I am and what I have to offer the world, I am borrowing from Ravikant’s book. When a friend compliments him or has a kind word for him, he adds it to a list that he visits regularly. For people like Ravikant who are lovers who need to keep their love vessels full when those who they love for better or worse extract too much, these comments aren’t ego speaking. They are necessary nourishment. I only have a couple of comments on my list. So far! They speak to my being desirable to others. But I’m reading them as making myself desirable to me. Because loving me comes first. And I’m working hard to believe them. Work yet to do.
The List:
You are a highly desirable woman.
You’ve never thought you are beautiful. You are beautiful.
You’re wonderful.
Your smile lights up the whole room.
Sense and Sentience 