While on the elliptical this afternoon, I was listening to an audiobook dealing with manners for normal people. The title of the book, GOOD MANNERS FOR NICE PEOPLE WHO SOMETIMES SAY F*CK, by Amy Alkon. A point she made struck home. She said that rudeness is theft. My take on it is that rude people take away from our peace. They rob us of our experience by imposing theirs on us. In an earlier chapter, Alkon suggested that if we would all live by that universal Golden Rule that we ought to have learned as children, we would be in better shape. I paraphrase, because I remember concepts better than I remember specific quotes.
Considering some of my recent very personal experiences, I expanded on her concept of rudeness as theft. I would add that disrespect is theft, or attempted theft. The person being disrespected is being robbed of their worth in the eyes of the person doing the disrespecting and, possibly, in the eyes of others. And it makes the person being disrespected feel less valued. It is an attempt to tell the person that they are not worthy, have less worth, are less than enough, or are inadequate. It can’t help but impact the disrespected person in a negative way.
I would also add lying, minimizing truth, and avoiding truth that would matter to another individual are theft. These character traits come under the heading disrespect. But they deserve their own category. People who minimize and avoid may not be intending to disrespect others. That doesn’t change the fact that they are being disrespectful.
The author also talks about dignity. I think of dignity as a personal character trait, as well as a way of relating to others. Someone I know well touts his high integrity. I learned over time that there were flaws in the integrity. I think of integrity and dignity as siblings. I started to think about the relationship between them. One of the main characteristics or tenants of dignity is demonstrating responsibility and accountability. I found the following definition on organizingengagement.org.
“People experience dignity when others take responsibility for their actions; when they acknowledge and apologize for disrespectful, unkind, or upsetting comments or actions (even when those comments or actions were unintentional); and when people commit to changing hurtful behavior and making amends for any pain, unhappiness, or humiliation they may have caused in others.”
As I pedaled away or whatever it is one does on an elliptical, I drifted off to thoughts of how often I’ve entertained people who have treated me with less than respect and dignity. I draw them like a magnet. This is because I tend to be positive and empathetic. Nature and nurture have taught me to be a little too accepting when I should protect myself more. I do believe in doing unto others as I would want them to do unto me, and that people caring for other people is paramount.
Departing from thoughts of those who have issues – unrealized or realized – who have done me wrong, disrespecting, lying, and causing me emotional grief, I thought of an experience I had while visiting Las Vegas on some family business. It hadn’t occurred to me what good I may have done a couple of people, supporting their personal dignity just by being positive and open and talking with them.
I admit I am not a fan of Las Vegas. I find the environment negative and depressing. I stayed in a hotel in Henderson, just outside Las Vegas. I like to exercise, and I had been away from walking or using the elliptical for several days. I decided to map out a walking course around the inside of the casino and hotel lobby, to get in my usual five miles. The half-mile course meant walking about ten laps. On the third or fourth lap, a man at one of the slot machines started to notice what I was doing. We started to acknowledge each other with a wave and a smile. At my three-mile mark the man asked, “How many more?” I told him two more miles. At this point the man also sitting by himself at the other end of the bank of machines looked up and noticed and smiled. The machines between the two of them were unoccupied. Both men lit up brighter and brighter and started cheering for me each time I made a lap and tossed out a comment. I made sure to end my walk in that area. I chatted with both men, who then chatted with each other and a cocktail waitress to whom they were explaining what I’d been doing. These two lonely gentlemen, the waitress, and I all connected and had a light moment. One of the men spoke quietly at first with a slight speech impediment which I heard and immediately got past. The other gentleman wondered where I worked. He thought I must be an employee there. Walking laps at a brisk pace in a casino is not what the usual hotel guest does. It hit me that my connecting with these two solo gents and connecting them with each other was important in that it created a communion and a bright spot between their solitary slot machine feedings.
An article at socialconnectedness.org titled “I am only human: Dignity and the Human Connection” makes some excellent points and speaks of the importance of dignity and respect, and how crucial they are to self-worth. The article states we should encourage situations where people are able to relate.
The elliptical exercise, these thoughts of events in Nevada, and the sight of a toddler with a mass of curly hair, wearing a harness with arm floats who was excited to jump into the pool in front of the apartment gym where I was working out all made me feel better than I have felt in a while. The “cure” for having one’s dignity and self-respect trampled on is to move forward and respect and care for others. I still deal with the residue of the thoughtless treatment I experienced. But it will pass with time.
In a Facebook vlog entry, Esther Lára Hansen speaks of the self-centered society and times we live in, narcissism, and the lack of empathy. In her book, Alkon speaks of rudeness being rampant because there are too many people clustered together. I’ve said for years that we are all self-centered and no longer dependent upon each other because we don’t live in times and places where we need to be dependent on others in our community. Everything is easily accessible and “me, me, me” is the norm. If we needed to care about others, care for others, be empathetic and do right by others as we would want them to do right by us, there would be less rudeness and disrespect. In the absence of that need, it is the person of character who decides to act with empathy, kindness, and respect anyway.
Sense and Sentience 